[...fine. There's no point in trying to hide how upset he is, he just...doesn't think he can face him. Or anybody. Maybe he can just find a way into space and live by himself in a ship forever because that seemed like the best thing for everyone.
He turns on video, and he really does look quite a mess. His hair's askew and he's obviously been crying...probably for a really long time on and off all day. But there's something broken in his eyes that wasn't there before. A sadness that he's kept away for years with by clinging to music, movies, and TV, by trying not to deal with things that hurt too bad. The same look he had after his mom and Yondu died.
[He exhales softly, fingers digging into the fabric of his pants, his heart breaking at the sight and he just wants to break down these locked doors and go out there and find him and do something--
Okay. Okay, he can do this.]
There you are. [He gives him a warm smile even if he knows it probably won't reach him, then sobers again.]
[It doesn't reach him, but Flynn's welcoming tone and calmness is helping. It takes him a long moment to collect himself, he rubs the lower half of his face and his eyes don't meet the tablet. He can't look at Flynn and see the eventual disappointment. There's a shuddering deep breath before he speaks, like he's trying to hold in the tears again.]
[He can't do this. There's no comfort he can give Peter here. Flynn remembers the horror and the guilt, all-encompassing, and how there is nothing in the world that he can say to make it better.
But maybe Peter doesn't have to be alone with it.]
I know. [He keeps his tone gentle.] It was an accident. You didn't mean for it to happen.
It's okay to be hurting, Peter. I'm not gonna tell you that you shouldn't or that it's gonna be okay.
But in grief it's sometimes easy to forget that the ones we lost are still their own person with their own agency and capabilities. Not just someone to grief about, or someone who lost their lives because we didn't protect them. It's not fair to them because they don't get a say in the matter.
[That...makes him think, he wipes his nose and manages to meet Flynn's gaze on screen. After all, Yondu had made the decision to sacrifice his life for him--even though Peter thought that if he'd made one or two choices differently it wouldn't have had to happen in the first place.]
I know, but...maybe she'd still be alive if I didn't...fall asleep. If I kept an eye on her. [He's doing his best to keep his voice steadier.]
And it's okay to wish that you had done things differently. But you don't know that for sure, Peter, that's why it's called an accident. It's fast and it's sudden and nobody wants it to happen and most of the time it doesn't makes sense.
[He exhales.] I know that the 'what ifs' feel like they give at least some kind of sense to it but... they usually don't.
[Flynn sighs softly, his heart going out for his friend.] You're probably gonna feel that way for a while. Just don't let it paralyze you. You can't changed what happened but you can change how you go on about it.
[He hesitates. It's nothing he really wants to go into but maybe it will help Peter.]
Sometimes... sometimes our decisions are faulty or painful or dangerous. That's just part of who we are, what life is about.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@Peterthegreat, text; Night 337 (cw: animal death, drowning - continued through thread)
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Peter, talk to me. I need you to talk to me.
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Flynn's tone is very gentle.]
Come on, you know how silly I feel when I talk to a text message. And I'm really bad with this keyboard. Please?
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He turns on video, and he really does look quite a mess. His hair's askew and he's obviously been crying...probably for a really long time on and off all day. But there's something broken in his eyes that wasn't there before. A sadness that he's kept away for years with by clinging to music, movies, and TV, by trying not to deal with things that hurt too bad. The same look he had after his mom and Yondu died.
They all just kept dying.]
...yeah. Sure.
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Okay. Okay, he can do this.]
There you are. [He gives him a warm smile even if he knows it probably won't reach him, then sobers again.]
I'm so sorry, Peter. What... what happened?
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She...she drowned.
It...it was my fault.
[It's always his fault.]
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[There is a pause because there is something in Peter's voice that resonates with him in a terrible way.
It was my fault.]
Drowned how?
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[His voice wavers.]
Bath, it was supposed to be a bath.
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Oh no, oh no, no, nono, please, that can't be what he's trying to tell him, that's too cruel.]
She... drowned in a tub?
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I think she fell asleep...and I wasn't...I didn't...it wasn't even that long I...
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It was my fault.]
That's... I... I'm so sorry, Peter.
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Yeah.
I am too.
...so sorry.
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But maybe Peter doesn't have to be alone with it.]
I know. [He keeps his tone gentle.] It was an accident. You didn't mean for it to happen.
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It's my fault.
[The tears overflow again, he doesn't bother to wipe them.]
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Sometimes... sometimes accidents happen. And it's wrong and unfair and I know how much it hurts.
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M...mom never let me have a cat. Said I weren't responsible 'nough. Wouldn't look after it right, might run away or somethin'.
[He can't look at the screen.]
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[Again he keeps his tone gentle against Peter's upset, trying to provide what little comfort he can.]
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No, she'd actually be pretty pissed about it.
...you're right, I shouldn't...
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But in grief it's sometimes easy to forget that the ones we lost are still their own person with their own agency and capabilities. Not just someone to grief about, or someone who lost their lives because we didn't protect them. It's not fair to them because they don't get a say in the matter.
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I know, but...maybe she'd still be alive if I didn't...fall asleep. If I kept an eye on her. [He's doing his best to keep his voice steadier.]
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[He exhales.] I know that the 'what ifs' feel like they give at least some kind of sense to it but... they usually don't.
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I still should have stayed up to keep an eye on her.
[It's muttered, an arguement to no one but his own battered conscience.]
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[He hesitates. It's nothing he really wants to go into but maybe it will help Peter.]
Sometimes... sometimes our decisions are faulty or painful or dangerous. That's just part of who we are, what life is about.
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[Your advice is so good Flynn, it's exactly what he needs to hear.
Weirdly enough, it doesn't feel like something that Blue would say. He rubs his face, and sighs painfully.]
Thanks, man. [It's a genuine, heartfelt sentiment.] You're really good at this.
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