It's a long story. But there's this big party going on, and the lights go out. And in the dark I run into this, just -- a real douchelord named Seth. And he bites me, and I bite him, whatever -- but then my, uh...friend...Bjorn, he hears this happening and he tries to help. With his giant pick. Except he hits me instead of Seth, and it just -- he just tears me right open. I thought I was going to bleed out.
So you know what I did next? Big, brave daughter of Quetzalcoatl?
Nah, he's got that handled on his own. No, I crawled under the nearest table and hid until it was all over. Like...just stayed down there even after I'd healed myself, because I was literally going to die if I didn't stay out of the way.
[ If anything, though, she sounds fondly amused. ]
I was a scion. That stuff about being a cook was true; I grew up thinking I was human until ol’ Quetzalcoatl awakened me and let me know my dad wasn’t really my dad after all. Lots of gods do it that way.
More like surprise, bottom of the totem pole you just found out existed, congrats, go do this job for dad and maybe you’ll survive but probably you won’t. Being awakened, though...I mean like awakened. It all makes sense right away even if you don’t know everything. Or...most things. Whole new world back then.
It doesn’t really matter, that was all a while back now anyway.
Right. I just thought that... it's just that, it doesn't seem like an age where you already lose track of your age?
I mean, if you had said you're 403 years old, that I could get behind but... [A bit specific, maybe. Also not a good example for losing track of your real age. Oh well.]
It gets harder to keep track really quickly when your...everything...starts working on a different time scale. Like, you get busy doing something and you turn around and bam, it's been like a year.
It's kind of like how when you were a kid, a week seemed like forever, but when you're grown up the months just fly by.
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You wanna know what happened the first time I got in a real fight? Keep in mind I'm a goddess telling you this. And you can't tell anyone else.
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Alright. I promise I won't tell anyone.
What did happen the first time you got in a real fight?
cw major traumatic injury
It's a long story. But there's this big party going on, and the lights go out. And in the dark I run into this, just -- a real douchelord named Seth. And he bites me, and I bite him, whatever -- but then my, uh...friend...Bjorn, he hears this happening and he tries to help. With his giant pick. Except he hits me instead of Seth, and it just -- he just tears me right open. I thought I was going to bleed out.
So you know what I did next? Big, brave daughter of Quetzalcoatl?
cw major traumatic injury
... Curse Bjorn and his offspring for all eternity?
cw major traumatic injury
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Yeah, because it was. Wasn't very brave or, y'know, godly, but it was reasonable.
So I'm just wondering what's so un reasonable about not jumping into a pit full of teeth?
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You just said you knew what was gonna happen. I didn't. And it's my job to look into these things.
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Just, you know. With godly murder feuds?
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Well. Then I kind of see your point.
... Why were you trying to steal stuff?
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What were you before you were a goddess? You weren't born one?
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[ If anything, though, she sounds fondly amused. ]
I was a scion. That stuff about being a cook was true; I grew up thinking I was human until ol’ Quetzalcoatl awakened me and let me know my dad wasn’t really my dad after all. Lots of gods do it that way.
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Oh wow, that must have been... awkward? I mean, there you are, line cook, frying things, then suddenly surprise! Goddess.
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It doesn’t really matter, that was all a while back now anyway.
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[A while back, huh? Well, that could mean a lot of things, so...]
How, uh, old are you exactly?
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Uh....
[That's the sound of Tess realizing that she's not sure how old she is.]
Somewhere in my thirties? No -- no, forties. Kind of. Maybe. I'm sure I can't be fifty yet.
It depends.
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Well, you definitely don't look like you're in your forties. Is your aging slowed? Are you immortal then?
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I mean, if you had said you're 403 years old, that I could get behind but... [A bit specific, maybe. Also not a good example for losing track of your real age. Oh well.]
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It's kind of like how when you were a kid, a week seemed like forever, but when you're grown up the months just fly by.
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