[That pulls him up short, mostly because he's not sure what exactly Flynn means when he says he doesn't care. Is it just that he isn't that worried about it, or is it that he's sunk deep enough that he doesn't care if someone does hurt him?]
Because it doesn't... matter? It doesn't change anything. About me, about this place.
[He sighs but it's more disillusioned than heartbroken.]
Look, I'm not looking for a fight and I don't wanna die, I really don't, but... if someone wants to come after me, I'll just have to deal with that when it happens. I can't worry about all the bad things that might happen when I'm so busy with the ones that actually do.
[That's probably a healthy way of looking at things, and a small part of him can appreciate that. But it's so alien to him to not always be preparing... what must it be like to look at the things that could go wrong and choose not to worry about them?
He weighs up what he wants his answer to be, how much he trusts Flynn to reveal the more vulnerable bits of himself or if he should just change the subject. Eventually, the reply is only one very softly spoken word.]
With my brain. With my skills, with my experience. Librarians fight with their heads. ... Well, and sometimes their fists or stakes when you happen to come across vampires, but, you know, generally speaking, in the grand scheme of things...
Thing is, I've been in a lot of tight spots over the years and so far, it always worked out. And if not...
[His voice trails off for a moment and he sips his coffee thoughtfully.]
When the Librarian dies, another takes over. Most don't last longer than a year or two, so every mission really could be my last. I already made it three years before I got to Norfinbury so I guess I got that going for me?
[He glances over.]
Don't you trust yourself? To be able to handle yourself in a crisis?
Bucky has technically lived over a hundred years now, even if he only has about four years of solid memories and then a whole lot of badness before it, and three years is a terrifyingly short amount of time. He frowns, concerned about the idea of someone he's coming to care about going back to a job that's likely to kill them.
But then Flynn turns it around on him, and the frown is smoothed away into a small but visible expression of surprise.]
No.
[It's a sad truth he's accustomed to by now.]
I know that I can't trust myself. Maybe if I knew it was just me at risk, but it's not.
[Flynn thinks about that for a moment. He gets scared a lot, he screws up sometimes, he might not be the strongest or a very good fighter... but at least he has that? That trust, that conviction that he'll be able to act, to handle himself.]
Is that why you're trying to plan for all eventualities? Why you think everything could be dangerous?
[He hesitates a moment, never good at opening up about things in his past, but Flynn has earned these small bits of trust.]
When I was the Soldier they implanted me with things, control words, trigger phrases, that sort of thing. I don't know what all of them are, I don't know what could set me off, so I have to be careful.
[He's known about the Soldier, of course, he has very vivid memories of that dram interaction... but he can't imagine what that must be like, being so afraid all the time.]
I had my head messed with by Norfinbury once. ... I mean, probably everybody did at some point, I know, but... I remember that, thinking it might come back and trying to keep a distance from people.
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Why not?
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[He sighs but it's more disillusioned than heartbroken.]
Look, I'm not looking for a fight and I don't wanna die, I really don't, but... if someone wants to come after me, I'll just have to deal with that when it happens. I can't worry about all the bad things that might happen when I'm so busy with the ones that actually do.
no subject
He weighs up what he wants his answer to be, how much he trusts Flynn to reveal the more vulnerable bits of himself or if he should just change the subject. Eventually, the reply is only one very softly spoken word.]
How?
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Thing is, I've been in a lot of tight spots over the years and so far, it always worked out. And if not...
[His voice trails off for a moment and he sips his coffee thoughtfully.]
When the Librarian dies, another takes over. Most don't last longer than a year or two, so every mission really could be my last. I already made it three years before I got to Norfinbury so I guess I got that going for me?
[He glances over.]
Don't you trust yourself? To be able to handle yourself in a crisis?
no subject
Bucky has technically lived over a hundred years now, even if he only has about four years of solid memories and then a whole lot of badness before it, and three years is a terrifyingly short amount of time. He frowns, concerned about the idea of someone he's coming to care about going back to a job that's likely to kill them.
But then Flynn turns it around on him, and the frown is smoothed away into a small but visible expression of surprise.]
No.
[It's a sad truth he's accustomed to by now.]
I know that I can't trust myself. Maybe if I knew it was just me at risk, but it's not.
no subject
[Flynn thinks about that for a moment. He gets scared a lot, he screws up sometimes, he might not be the strongest or a very good fighter... but at least he has that? That trust, that conviction that he'll be able to act, to handle himself.]
Is that why you're trying to plan for all eventualities? Why you think everything could be dangerous?
no subject
[He hesitates a moment, never good at opening up about things in his past, but Flynn has earned these small bits of trust.]
When I was the Soldier they implanted me with things, control words, trigger phrases, that sort of thing. I don't know what all of them are, I don't know what could set me off, so I have to be careful.
no subject
[He's known about the Soldier, of course, he has very vivid memories of that dram interaction... but he can't imagine what that must be like, being so afraid all the time.]
I had my head messed with by Norfinbury once. ... I mean, probably everybody did at some point, I know, but... I remember that, thinking it might come back and trying to keep a distance from people.