Yeah! [A pause from his jovial excitement.] I thought you knew everything?
[It's not a dig, he genuinely thinks Flynn knows Everything. Anyway, he goes on.]
Bluestar. She accepted me as an apprentice and to train in the ways of a warrior. Until I get my warrior name, I'm Sunpaw. Bluestar is gonna be my mentor and I'm gonna be the best leader I can be, and to lead SnowClan when it's my turn.
[This is super important to him can't you tell?
He's part of a cat gang now, and basically a cat. It's cool.]
SnowClan. Our Clan. Blue's got the experience. She knows what she's doing. [An implied, because I don't know what I'm doing. What kind of leader gets himself killed because he was stupid? What kind of leader goes through a quantum asteroid field and almost gets all his people killed? And wasn't there for Rocket?]
I really do need to learn about...being a better leader, so when I get back to the Guardians, me and Gamora and--and Rocket, I'll be the kind of person I need to be. For them. I still am a Guardian, but just...I need this right now, okay?
And anyway, being part of a cat Clan is the coolest thing.
Your... when did you join a Clan? How did this even happen? What's this Clan about, what exactly is she teaching you? How do you know she's got more experience than you?
[Okay, no. He feels a pang of sympathy in the wake of Peter's obvious vulnerability but that just makes him more apprehensive of what he's hearing. Finding solace in a hierarchical group in times of loss and pain and insecurity? Yeah, there's about a million alarm bells going off in Flynn's head right now.
Even at a seemingly harmless thing like 'cat clan'.]
Look, I... I know it's hard sometimes, feeling like you're not the person you're supposed to be. But I don't think joining a gang and changing your name is a good solution. [AT ALL.]
Like...well, it just sorta happened and--it's really not that different from being a Ravager--how to be a leader, y'know, how to do leaders things, because I suck at that--I have to be better for the Guardians, I have to!
Blue is good, she's...she really knows her stuff. Trust me. [There's a fondness to his voice. It's usually reserved for subjects like Yondu and his mom. It's probably unfortunate that the ceremony took place in a hospital room. He almost felt like...his mom was there, in a way. Or Yondu. Giving him a name like Star-Lord. Just...he wanted--needed someone like that, and when he thought he had it, it got ripped away from him. Again. And again.
And now it was like he had another chance...someone to look out for him, someone that cared what happened to him...
...Peter probably should have learned something from when he had these exact thoughts before Ego went bad...]
I mean, you can still call me Peter. Or Star-Lord.
But how do you know? How long have you known her? [The trusting tone in his voice would probably not bother Flynn as much if Peter's answers weren't so disturbingly vague.]
And how do you know that what the Clan needs is the same what the Guardians need? They might be very different things. Different values.
I mean, it hasn't been that long, but I've learned a lot already. Y'know, how not to hold yourself above your clan, not playing games until I've made sure everyone is safe, fed, and rested. I just want to do what's best for everyone. That's what Blue wants me to do. She was the leader of a clan of warriors before here.
It's really not that different. Even the Ravagers had a code, dude.
I told me that. I've been acting like a kit--kid, and that's not going to help save anybody! The only thing I've managed to do here is get myself seriously hurt, get Bucky killed, attack and kill and try to kill people I care about, nearly get Gamora killed, and failed to save Rocket! And get myself killed! I'm the problem here!
[He's kind of breathless, raw, that all came out at once and he didn't really meant to dump it out like that.]
I... I don't know anything about that. About codes.
But what you're saying is not true. You've given people music, you've held several events that boosted morale and you're always trying to cheer people up. You've made new friensd in this city. And the city is making all of us do things we don't want to. You're not a problem, Peter.
[That...hearing Flynn say that, helped. It broke through most of pile of self-loathing that's been heaped on ever since he's got here. But--]
--the town didn't make me drop my Zune and get myself killed, and miss Rocket. The town didn't make me crash my ship because I was fighting with Rocket. The town didn't make me realize that I should have listened to Gamora before my dad turned all maniacal on us and maybe Yondu would still be alive!
[It hurts to listen to, too and it takes Flynn a moment to answer.]
Sometimes... sometimes we make mistakes. And sometimes these mistakes are so grave and painful they stick with us. Make us wish we could do anything to go back and make it right.
[That's... about as far as he can bring himself to delve into that particular subject.]
We're just human, Peter. Even when we're half-planet. Sometimes bad things happen and... and sometimes they're our fault but they don't define you as a person. You're not a problem.
[That...sounds like Flynn might know from experience, but Peter doesn't prod. If Flynn wants to talk about it eventually, he will. If Flynn feels as bad about it as he himself does now, he really doesn't want to prod.]
I wish I could. Fix it, fix everything that went wrong.
[Just a wish. He looks back up though, when Flynn says We're just human, Peter. Even when we're half-planet.]
...but I want to be better. She can help me be better.
I know. I've done some pretty stupid things in my past and...
[He exhales, rubbing the back of his neck.]
I understand wanting to improve. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be better. I just... I don't want you to think you have to be somebody else. Or that there's nothing good about who you are right now.
You? [There's a fond, though sad half-bark of a laugh.] You're a genius, I really doubt that.
[He really is going to cry again. Stop doing this, Flynn. He sniffs anyway, his emotions getting the better of him. But something as kind as what Flynn was saying was exactly what he needed to hear.]
Sure about that? [That half-bark of a laugh, this time slightly bitter.] I just...I'm not trying to re-invent myself or anything. Or try to run away from myself.
Well. I'm sure you screwed up a lot less than most people. [A sad smile.]
Okay, genius. [Thanks for being such a good friend, Flynn. Peter's gotten used to the Guardians being around, but he's still unused to people caring about him this much--and the whole thing with Yondu was pretty new to him too--and having even more people looking out was just...yeah. Something he'd wanted his whole life, never thought he'd get there.]
I'm gonna be okay. As long as you're okay too, okay? [How to articulate feelings in return? Error.]
[That's how much he cares about you, bro. He likes to complain--er, talk to you. Between Stephen and Gamora and you, and now Blue, he had a pretty good network going, at least until he has reason to complain about one to the other.]
Listen, this...was great. It helped, really. [How to make this any less awkward? Impossible.] I probably should let y'go now.
But good talk. [If he was there he'd give you a manly punch on the shoulder to even things out with all this emotional...stuff.]
Me too. Who needs monsters, really. They're so overrated. I mean, it's probably not their fault that they're so monstery and overrated but [where is he even going with this] they should definitely just stay away.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It's not a dig, he genuinely thinks Flynn knows Everything. Anyway, he goes on.]
Bluestar. She accepted me as an apprentice and to train in the ways of a warrior. Until I get my warrior name, I'm Sunpaw. Bluestar is gonna be my mentor and I'm gonna be the best leader I can be, and to lead SnowClan when it's my turn.
[This is super important to him can't you tell?
He's part of a cat gang now, and basically a cat. It's cool.]
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You what.
[Sorry Peter, this is probably all very exciting for you, but didn't you just argue very hotly about being human why are you suddenly a cat.]
Why? What's a SnowClan? Whatever happened to being a Guardian?
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I really do need to learn about...being a better leader, so when I get back to the Guardians, me and Gamora and--and Rocket, I'll be the kind of person I need to be. For them. I still am a Guardian, but just...I need this right now, okay?
And anyway, being part of a cat Clan is the coolest thing.
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[Okay, no. He feels a pang of sympathy in the wake of Peter's obvious vulnerability but that just makes him more apprehensive of what he's hearing. Finding solace in a hierarchical group in times of loss and pain and insecurity? Yeah, there's about a million alarm bells going off in Flynn's head right now.
Even at a seemingly harmless thing like 'cat clan'.]
Look, I... I know it's hard sometimes, feeling like you're not the person you're supposed to be. But I don't think joining a gang and changing your name is a good solution. [AT ALL.]
cw refs to cancer/character death
Blue is good, she's...she really knows her stuff. Trust me. [There's a fondness to his voice. It's usually reserved for subjects like Yondu and his mom. It's probably unfortunate that the ceremony took place in a hospital room. He almost felt like...his mom was there, in a way. Or Yondu. Giving him a name like Star-Lord. Just...he wanted--needed someone like that, and when he thought he had it, it got ripped away from him. Again. And again.
And now it was like he had another chance...someone to look out for him, someone that cared what happened to him...
...Peter probably should have learned something from when he had these exact thoughts before Ego went bad...]
I mean, you can still call me Peter. Or Star-Lord.
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And how do you know that what the Clan needs is the same what the Guardians need? They might be very different things. Different values.
And you don't suck, who told you that?
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It's really not that different. Even the Ravagers had a code, dude.
I told me that. I've been acting like a kit--kid, and that's not going to help save anybody! The only thing I've managed to do here is get myself seriously hurt, get Bucky killed, attack and kill and try to kill people I care about, nearly get Gamora killed, and failed to save Rocket! And get myself killed! I'm the problem here!
[He's kind of breathless, raw, that all came out at once and he didn't really meant to dump it out like that.]
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But what you're saying is not true. You've given people music, you've held several events that boosted morale and you're always trying to cheer people up. You've made new friensd in this city. And the city is making all of us do things we don't want to. You're not a problem, Peter.
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--the town didn't make me drop my Zune and get myself killed, and miss Rocket. The town didn't make me crash my ship because I was fighting with Rocket. The town didn't make me realize that I should have listened to Gamora before my dad turned all maniacal on us and maybe Yondu would still be alive!
[It hurt. It hurt to say it out loud.]
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Sometimes... sometimes we make mistakes. And sometimes these mistakes are so grave and painful they stick with us. Make us wish we could do anything to go back and make it right.
[That's... about as far as he can bring himself to delve into that particular subject.]
We're just human, Peter. Even when we're half-planet. Sometimes bad things happen and... and sometimes they're our fault but they don't define you as a person. You're not a problem.
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I wish I could. Fix it, fix everything that went wrong.
[Just a wish. He looks back up though, when Flynn says We're just human, Peter. Even when we're half-planet.]
...but I want to be better. She can help me be better.
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[He exhales, rubbing the back of his neck.]
I understand wanting to improve. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be better. I just... I don't want you to think you have to be somebody else. Or that there's nothing good about who you are right now.
Because there is. I know, I've seen it.
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[He really is going to cry again. Stop doing this, Flynn. He sniffs anyway, his emotions getting the better of him. But something as kind as what Flynn was saying was exactly what he needed to hear.]
Sure about that? [That half-bark of a laugh, this time slightly bitter.] I just...I'm not trying to re-invent myself or anything. Or try to run away from myself.
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[His expression softens at the sniffle.] Pretty sure. Genius, remember?
[A pause.]
Yeah, alright. It's just, I'm. [How to.] I just [worry care love you bro] want to make sure you're alright. You know.
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Okay, genius. [Thanks for being such a good friend, Flynn. Peter's gotten used to the Guardians being around, but he's still unused to people caring about him this much--and the whole thing with Yondu was pretty new to him too--and having even more people looking out was just...yeah. Something he'd wanted his whole life, never thought he'd get there.]
I'm gonna be okay. As long as you're okay too, okay? [How to articulate feelings in return? Error.]
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I guess.
[Peter's assurance leaves him hanging because he's supposed to respond but what can he respond to that?]
I am. Okay, I mean, I'm okay. As long as you're okay. ... So we're both okay. [Help.]
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[No help here.]
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Yeah, right, sure, that works.
Just... let me know when you're not.
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You'll be one of the first to know.
[That's how much he cares about you, bro. He likes to complain--er, talk to you. Between Stephen and Gamora and you, and now Blue, he had a pretty good network going, at least until he has reason to complain about one to the other.]
Listen, this...was great. It helped, really. [How to make this any less awkward? Impossible.] I probably should let y'go now.
But good talk. [If he was there he'd give you a manly punch on the shoulder to even things out with all this emotional...stuff.]
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[That comes a little sudden and Flynn can feel a stab of insecurity. Did he say something wrong? Was that bad?]
I'm glad it did. [He flashes him a brief smile.] Yeah, good talk, we should do that again soon.
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Sure. I mean, with this place, it's gonna happen. Looking forward to it, hoping it doesn't involve monsters or haunted houses.
Stay warm, bro.
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You too. Good night, Peter.