[Peter's not very good at dealing with...this. And he's had too many losses, and they were all stacking up. He thought he'd held it together, and like what Bluestar said, he was the leader, he had to be strong for the group, to cheer them up, he had to pull a Captain Kirk but right now he didn't think he could even be strong for himself. Talking to Flynn's always helped, he'd been able to share things with him that he never thought he'd share with anybody.
And for this to happen on the heels of him coming back from such a horrifying fate himself, and all the other things the town's dumped on him, it's just...too much.]
I wasn't there for him. [It's a broken sound to his voice, almost a sob, that he's trying very hard to suppress.] I should have been there and I wasn't.
[Flynn freezes when Peter's pained admission resonates a little too strongly with him. He tries to keep his voice calm and comforting but it's wavering, moved by the situation and his friend's loss that he can understand a little too well. That heart-wrecking, gut-wrenching feeling of loss and regret, of having failed someone close to you.
What is there even to say? Sometimes things are just too sad, too painful and there's nothing you can do about it.]
It's not your fault you couldn't be there, Peter.
I know... I know it doesn't feel like it. That's okay. But it's not.
[He's quiet. Pinching the bridge of his nose, tears trickling down, as he shuts his eyes tight. It just...hurt. So bad. He breaths heavily, before kicking something loudly.]
Damn it!
[It doesn't feel like it. He does feel like it's his fault.
There's a long pause until he comes back on. He sounds raw.]
...how can we keep doing this, Flynn? What is this place krutackin' doin' to us? Breakin' us into little pieces until there's nothin' left?! Is that what the Admin wants? Is that what this is? Some kind of sick experiment!? I still remember those thousand years, it's still in my head--not everything, but it's more than I should remember. And those other times that didn't actually happen--what's happening here!? How did I even come back to life!? I died, Flynn! What IS this place!?
[He hits something hard again, kicking wildly over and over again, until he collapses next to it, with a sob.]
[Flynn's voice is quiet in the wake of Peter's outburst and pained in face of the helplessness of it all. He feels like he should have answers for his friend. Isn't that what he does? Figure things out, solve the puzzles?] I don't... I just don't understand it. I'm sorry. I wish I could...
[He exhales when his voice threatens to break, desperately searching for words of comfort. None are coming to him.]
But we... we have to. Keep doing this, we have to keep trying. Find a way home. We can't let this place win.
[Despite believing in them the words sound hollow to Flynn today, especially with Peter's sobs in the background.]
Yeah. Someone once told me that if you fight your destiny you will be miserable. That you have to embrace it and revel in it instead.
[He pauses when emotions and memories threaten to well up that he had locked away from the moment he sat foot into this frozen wasteland. It takes him a moment before he can continue.]
Before I got here I, uh, had a bit of a crisis. Everything seemed too much, I wanted to get away from the job, from the Library, from what I'm doing, but... in the end it just found me again. And it hurt? A lot, it was very... [He trails off and he clears his throat, trying to get the sudden rawness out of his voice.]
But it made me realize I can't just turn my back on who I am. [Even if it's painful. Even if it's lonely.] I don't believe in fate. But I believe in what I have to do. I know I want to go back and do it.
[Peter's quiet as he listens. He feels a pang when he remembers how dangerous that job is, what Flynn said...no. He couldn't think about...all that now. Not after Rocket.
But it does hit home.
Being a Guardian was...similar. None of it promised to be easy.]
Yeah.
I mean. I get it.
It just...sucks. This. Everything. All of it.
[A sigh.]
I won't give up. Rocket'll kick my ass if I do anything like that.
[The sound of him sniffling and taking a second to wipe his nose with his sleeve.]
...I dunno. [Because he might really start sobbing. It might help, though.]
...he would make fun of me for getting so worked up about him, though. But he'd secretly be pleased. [A half-barked, sad laugh.] He'd pretend to be all tough about it, like he always does.
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And for this to happen on the heels of him coming back from such a horrifying fate himself, and all the other things the town's dumped on him, it's just...too much.]
I wasn't there for him. [It's a broken sound to his voice, almost a sob, that he's trying very hard to suppress.] I should have been there and I wasn't.
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What is there even to say? Sometimes things are just too sad, too painful and there's nothing you can do about it.]
It's not your fault you couldn't be there, Peter.
I know... I know it doesn't feel like it. That's okay. But it's not.
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Damn it!
[It doesn't feel like it. He does feel like it's his fault.
There's a long pause until he comes back on. He sounds raw.]
...how can we keep doing this, Flynn? What is this place krutackin' doin' to us? Breakin' us into little pieces until there's nothin' left?! Is that what the Admin wants? Is that what this is? Some kind of sick experiment!? I still remember those thousand years, it's still in my head--not everything, but it's more than I should remember. And those other times that didn't actually happen--what's happening here!? How did I even come back to life!? I died, Flynn! What IS this place!?
[He hits something hard again, kicking wildly over and over again, until he collapses next to it, with a sob.]
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[Flynn's voice is quiet in the wake of Peter's outburst and pained in face of the helplessness of it all. He feels like he should have answers for his friend. Isn't that what he does? Figure things out, solve the puzzles?] I don't... I just don't understand it. I'm sorry. I wish I could...
[He exhales when his voice threatens to break, desperately searching for words of comfort. None are coming to him.]
But we... we have to. Keep doing this, we have to keep trying. Find a way home. We can't let this place win.
[Despite believing in them the words sound hollow to Flynn today, especially with Peter's sobs in the background.]
... Do you believe in destiny?
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We can't let this place win.
Flynn was right. He had to... he wipes his face with a sleeve. Had to fight this. Had to.]
Destiny?
[He's quiet. A sniff. The last time he thought about destiny, Ego was there and...yeah.]
I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.
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[He pauses when emotions and memories threaten to well up that he had locked away from the moment he sat foot into this frozen wasteland. It takes him a moment before he can continue.]
Before I got here I, uh, had a bit of a crisis. Everything seemed too much, I wanted to get away from the job, from the Library, from what I'm doing, but... in the end it just found me again. And it hurt? A lot, it was very... [He trails off and he clears his throat, trying to get the sudden rawness out of his voice.]
But it made me realize I can't just turn my back on who I am. [Even if it's painful. Even if it's lonely.] I don't believe in fate. But I believe in what I have to do. I know I want to go back and do it.
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But it does hit home.
Being a Guardian was...similar. None of it promised to be easy.]
Yeah.
I mean. I get it.
It just...sucks. This. Everything. All of it.
[A sigh.]
I won't give up. Rocket'll kick my ass if I do anything like that.
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[Or be better at this whole comfort thing.]
... They may be breaking us but I think there will always be something left. I don't think they can take that away from us.
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[It's okay, he doesn't need comfort. Just Flynn being there for him, listening, was enough.
Now how to tell him that without sounding wimpy...]
No. They can't...we can't let them.
We won't let them.
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No, we won't.
... Do you want to talk about it? Tell me about him or... [Or about dying?]
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...I dunno. [Because he might really start sobbing. It might help, though.]
...he would make fun of me for getting so worked up about him, though. But he'd secretly be pleased. [A half-barked, sad laugh.] He'd pretend to be all tough about it, like he always does.
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That's how you guys do things, huh? The whole... making fun, pretending not to care routine?
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[That sad laugh again.]
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So you never say it but you know it, that about right?
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Probably should have told him how much he matters to us. To me.
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But don't you think he knows? If that's how you guys do things and if you know then... I'm pretty sure he does, too.